Leaning into uncertainty

(the art of self-trust)

Dear friends,

Thank you for opening another Within letter. A click of the ♡ button makes a difference. So does sharing these pieces.

Annie Spratt

It is fear that grasps and clings.

It is love that lets go.

Uncertainty is the only certainty we have

I feel very fortunate to have cultivated a daily routine that seems to run on its own.

There is a simplicity to my life which I consciously began to nurture when I got sober nearly ten years ago.

Routine is invaluable to me, as is consistency, but the rest of the time, I try to remain as close to the breath of life as I can.

I am here. And there is harmony here. 

It is a space that has always been available to me, but a space in which I was not always available to see due to the constant pull to be elsewhere, to find happiness in the distance.

I truly believed it couldn’t possibly exist within me, that I had to do something or be someone else before I deserved to feel it.

Life has taken me on a profound and, at times, traumatic journey. But, my devotion to my spiritual practice taught me a precious lesson:

If you only think you will feel better in the future: if you’re waiting, putting your life on hold until something changes — you are sending a strong signal to the Universe that you're not feeling good now.  

This energetic feeling alerts the survival instinct to take you away from the present moment; it takes you out of your body to try and avoid feeling fear and every other emotion you are experiencing, hoping that when you return, the feeling will have gone. 

Yet, by stepping into the heart of fear, you are ultimately stepping into the heart of life.

By meeting fear, and every emotion as it appears, you discover that every emotion is only ever guiding you back to yourself.

The problem is that the mind wants to know. It wants to know what will happen when we take the next step. But all it can compare it against is the past, specifically the pain of the past.

So we stay where we are: afraid of the feeling of uncertainty. Afraid of the void, the ‘groundlessness’ that Pema Chödrön so beautifully speaks of.

And without the feeling of ground beneath our feet, without the familiar texture of what we know, we become anxious and grasp for stability, comfort, control.

We stay in the same place; holding onto our unhelpful, habitual patterns and never truly experiencing the freedom that is our birthright.

*

When you surrender control of life’s outcomes,
things always work out better than you could ever imagine.
And even though you may not receive what you
originally wanted, you will receive something more,
something unexpected, something in line with
where you are destined to be.

(The Universe knows what is best for you.)

True certainty is being comfortable with uncertainty.

This is the practice: to lead the part of you so afraid out into the light, onto new Earth. To hold all of yourself — every wound, every imprint, every echo from the past — delicately, compassionately, as you step into the unknown; afraid, but allowing yourself to feel it all, allowing the deepest part of you to carry you through.

Lean into this part of yourself, close the gap. This part, your true self, has always brought you to where you need to be.

A reminder for when a part of you is holding you back from taking the next step:

You are here. And you have travelled here on your own. It was you who pushed yourself when the mind tried to hold you back. It was you who navigated the wild terrain that brought you to your knees, ripped the breath from your mouth, and tore you open again and again. It was you who survived: came away changed, altered, expanded beyond the point of no return. So it is you who must remind yourself every day why you have to keep going—because you want to feel that you are truly living. You want to know that you are inhaling every type of season into your lungs, every single atom of hope, and love, and faith, and beauty; and still have space for more.

Japanese anemone and the last of my cosmos until next year.

May you become friends with fear. May you come to see that moving closer to it does not hurt as much as avoiding it.

Softly, April x

Going Within

My self-study course Going Within shares all the tools, techniques and creative rituals I undertake on a daily basis to stay aligned with my authentic self, and live a life of clarity, peace and joy. 

This is a self-study course with lifetime access to paid subscribers.

---

Within is a weekly (news) letter. Please feel free to share parts of the letter that connect with you on social media, or send to someone you love. If you enjoy and benefit from my work, I invite you to become a paid subscriber. This is a reader-supported offering and I’m so grateful for your presence here. To find out more about my books and my healing work, visit my website.

Manage your subscription to Within here.

Gift a subscription to Within.