Gathering the light
(on happiness, and how it slowly settles into your bones)
I’m in love with light: the way it falls and gathers, turning all that it touches the colour of itself.
For almost two years, swimming in the lake—every season, every temperature—I’ve watched the light bathing the early mornings, transforming the hidden life, turning the earth to gold.
What I’ve spent most of my life learning, (and so often re-learning), is that we are made of the same light. It is our beliefs, experiences, thoughts, and wounds that cast a shade; separating us from life as it truly is.
The more we hold on, the more light we block from entering us and flowing out of us at the same time.
But, beneath it all, we are light.
It has taken me many trips around the sun to settle into reality, to welcome it and allow it to show me how it feels to be touched by the truth—without trying to change it or move away from it.
When I surrender to the water and allow it to hold me, I realise I am allowing whatever is arising in my life to do the same: embody me until we’re moving as one thing, one beating heart.
When you live in a surrendered state, you hear the wisdom from within; you know you are exactly where you need to be. Most importantly, you know your life up until that moment couldn’t have happened any other way.
And you soften a little more. You allow a little more of what’s real, raw, terrifying and beautiful to sit alongside you.
Why we chase happiness
You think you want something but it’s only the feeling you think it will give you that you want.
The feeling we are chasing stems from an attempt to escape the one we are currently experiencing. It is an act of seeking relief. It creates an inner, energetic movement away from the sense of feeling unsafe.
Ultimately, it is resistance to being yourself, resistance to experiencing life as it truly is.
In my humble experience of healing from addiction, unworthiness, and high functioning anxiety, the modality that changed everything for me is embodied healing—building a practice of cultivating safety within, then learning how to go straight into the feeling that is currently here:
Be with it—without the story, the memory, the imaginings, the what if’s and the if only’s.
Simply be with the sensation in your body,
breathe with it,
move into the heart of it.
A new space will open up.
Relief, clarity, safety will arise.
The story behind the feeling is the thing that hurts, not the feeling itself.
How to stay where you are
What I have learned during ten years of sober, conscious living, above everything else, is the importance of presence.
What I have learned during the past two years of embodied healing is the importance of forgiveness* and acceptance. (*forgiveness in shamanic healing is the art of returning to a painful situation, releasing the emotion behind it, and finding the deeper lesson, a new perspective.)
What I learn daily through my morning practice is the importance of finding and living from your centre, rooting yourself there, and returning each time you forget.
Reflections for you
Your desire to be somewhere other than here offers you the reminders:
You are safe, you are held, you are enough.
Return to yourself: your body, your breath, your light.
Ask yourself: what do I need to give myself right now?
Rest in the stillness, be in your body, listen to it.
Love what you love
My life has become a life I once rejected because it felt too ordinary.
I feel blessed to discover that it’s the life I was searching for all along: safe, nourishing, and deeply rooted in a centred place.
Home.
Suffering ends because you have a resting place. You know, at any given moment, any circumstance, regardless of emotions or state of mind, that you have an ever present place to turn to.
I’m always reminding myself that life is not (and simply cannot be) one long moment of bliss.
True happiness is a more moderate feeling. It comes from within; from finding belonging, purpose and meaning in your life without looking to the outside world to define what that should look like.
It comes from getting truthful with yourself and discerning what it is you really love to do.
And then doing it, unapologetically.
What I’m doing more of:
being myself
doing everything that makes my soul sing
living in harmony with the earth
moving in rhythm and ritual
making more art
breathing flowers and poems.
Tender Reminder
Feel into the texture of what brings you joy.
There is nothing selfish about it—you heal others when you shine from within.
Life lately
Whatever your heart is hungry for in this moment, whatever feelings you are trying to meet, I hope you remember always the light within you.
Softly, April x
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Wow! April! I have been holding on to your email in my inbox since I got it. I knew I wanted to read it, and not while in a 'rush'. Tonight was the night to read it and I saw just how much I need all of this and why I needed to afford unencumbered time. Every last word took to my soul and, just the initial read, lifted weight from my chest! Will be rereading and meditating on this post going forward. Also, anticipating your visiting your other posts! Bless you for writing this and sharing your beautifully writing piece. Much love to you! ~Wendy
I found myself pausing halfway through, not just to savor your wisdom, but to laugh at how you perfectly described the tug-of-war between chasing happiness and just being present. Also, I might’ve spilled my tea while nodding along, but it was worth it. Thanks for the light and for keeping it real. 🌞